the negative.

As much as I try to see the positive side in all aspects in my life; there are times that is just so hard to do. This weekend tested us and all of our family tremendously. On Friday afternoon, we realized that my 16-year-old sister was gone. We had no idea what was going on. She was not at home, phones were off the hook, her cell phone was there, but some of her clothes & her purse was gone. Did someone take her? Did she runaway? There had been no arguments in the house and she is a generally-happy person. We all lost it. Brian and I frantically called all of her friends for any information. My parents went to the police immediately and visited her best friend's house to talk to her mother, etc. We were getting nowhere and panicking fast. Finally, we caught a break and one of her friends boyfriend's called me back. He said he knew of a bandhouse that they all hung out at and gave me directions. I called my parents and they told the police the name of the band and I stopped down and got my Dad and we headed there..... {keep in mind my parents had no idea she had ever been to a "bandhouse."}

When we pulled up there was cop car outside already. We knocked on the door, some kid answered and said yes, Hollie is upstairs with the police officer; she is coming down. It was such instant relief that she was alive and okay after 4 and a half hours of sheer panic, driving around anywhere I could think to look; my eyes were so puffy I could barely see. But after the realization hit me that she left home on purpose without telling anyone, I was furious. How could she do this to us?? How could she be so selfish?? What the HELL is wrong with her??

I could tell that she was visibly upset when she was 'escorted' to the police squad car. My dad and I met my mom at the police station and waited for her to get there. I had never in been inside the police station that I have lived in my entire life; and here I was- waiting with my parents for my 16-year-old sister. It was sickening. My dad was pissed; my mom was crying. My relationship with her will never be the same. Her excuse was that my parents don't let her do what she wants. {HELLO! You are 16 you SHOULDN'T be able to do whatever you want!} That was me screaming.

I think this is where she is getting this idea; her best friend is Shelby. This entire time that she was missing I was talking to Shelby constantly trying to find out any information- she gave me nothing. My parents went to Shelby's house and talked with her and her mom- got nothing. Want to know who was at the house with Hollie when we got there? SHELBY. Want to know who dropped her off there? SHELBY'S MOM. So basically it comes down to- Hollie saw how Shelby's mother lets her do whatever she wants and thinks that awesome and that my parents should do the same- and when they don't and they are the responsible parents that they should be, she just leaves. And puts us all through this. But it was still 100% her wrongdoing. When will she grow up and realize what she is doing is SO wrong?

The police officer handed me the bag that Hollie had with her. This framed picture was inside that I had given her for Christmas:

My other 10-year-old sister, Kirby, was so devastated that Hollie left, that Brian could barely pick her up off the floor. She asked Hollie "did you leave because you don't want to babysit me anymore?" I could barely handle it. Hollie made us all doubt her and ourselves. Kirby felt like it was her fault at 10 years old and my mom felt like a bad parent. My dad and I both saw it as one thing- Hollie's fault. I understand that we need to talk about what the problems are and work it out, but at that moment, and still right now, I am way to upset to talk logically to anyone about this. I am mad.

After yelling at Hollie for about 15 minutes at the police station- I couldn't handle it anymore. I'm sure that my anger wasn't helping the situation, but that is how I felt and nothing was going to change that for quite some time. I had to leave. She hugged me, crying. Apologized and told me she loved me. I honestly couldn't tell her that I loved her in that moment and gave her nothing in return. I don't know how we will ever be sisters again...

My parents have taken away ALL of her privileges obviously, but it just still doesn't seem like enough. And if she thought her life was so bad before- when she had ipods and cell phones and telelvisions and computers and new clothes and sleepovers.... I wonder how it will be for her now. With none of that. I almost hope that she runs again so that she is forced to go live somewhere else for a while and realize how good she has it. Now I am just being revengeful.

As if this situation weren't entirely horrible on it's own. When Hollie was gone and we were all frantically looking for her, we got a call from my aunt. The doctor has found two masses on my grandma's brain. I will never forget the look of sheer horror and devastation on my mother's face-- her child was gone and her mother is dying; all of this happening within minutes of each other.

My parents went home with Hollie to deal with everything. I was too angry to be anywhere around her. Still visibly upset and not really knowing what to think at this point... Brian and I head over to Aaron and Kathy's house where everyone is waiting for us. We had tickets to see The Dark Knight. We decided that of course we are still going to go; why the hell would we let her ruin anything else for us at that point? The movie was incredibly amazing and deserves its own post later.

The plus side to all of this is that when you deal with a crisis such as this, you realize how incredibly amazing your friends and family are. I knew that we were lucky, but damn; we are so blessed to have each and every one of them in our lives. The next day we had plans to go camping at a lake as I posted about on Friday, but with everything that was going on {and the weather predictions on top of it} we decided to cancel. We did however spend an awesome Saturday afternoon and evening with everyone swimming in a kick-ass pool, drinking Coronas, grilling out, and having a blast. It was such a great time. But late in the night my mom called; the results from my grandma's CT were finally back {we had been waiting all day} and it is cancer.

First thing Sunday morning we all headed to the hospital. {This entailed an hour and a half drive with Hollie; we didn't even exchange a glance.} By the time we got there, the doctor had informed us that the cancer was also in the stem of her brain and her kidneys. How could this happen so fast? Insert a ton of more crying here. I don't think I've cried so much before. We spent the whole day there; with about 40 other people from the family; just being with her and being together. We called in the priest and prayed her last rites together; she woke up a bit during this and was dumbfounded to see us all standing there. That moment was magical, she remembered all of us for the first time in days. If that is the last moment that we have with her, I will be grateful for it. They tell us that she will go any day now and that there is nothing we can do. So we are just being with her, but it is hard to feel so helpless. I can't imagine what it will feel like to be grandparent-less. I miss her already.

My grandma in the middle and my mom on the right toasting us at our wedding:

I am searching for the positive in it all. The fact that my grandma is 88 and hasn't been in the hospital for the past 40 years is amazing. Talk about living your life to the fullest! She was so amazing.. she still drove around town, wasn't going to let any of us stop her. I can only hope that my life will be as filled with love and adventure as hers was. I also hope that this experience will wake my sister up a little so that she will realize what living is truly about and how important family is. But I haven't talked to her so I wouldn't know. I need someone outside of our situation to justify how mad I am at her. How would you feel? If you can even imagine the situation how it has been? My thoughts are so jumbled right now.... I apologize for this rambling post- but getting it out feels good. I miss my grandma. I hate my sister. I am sad for my mom. I want this all to go away. How am I suppose to just watch someone that I love die?

And even though I have heard it a million times and again, this song meant so much more to me driving home from the hospital last night.

currently listening to :: what sarah said by death cab.