i would die for that.

Monday, March 18, 2013


jenny was my best friend
went away one summer
came back with a secret 
she just couldn't keep.
a child inside her,
was just too much for her
so she cried herself to sleep.

and she made a decision
some find hard to accept.
too young to know that one day
she might live to regret.

but I would die for that.
just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that she had.
i would die for that.


i've been given so much,
a husband that I love.
so why do I feel incomplete?
with every test and checkup
we're told not to give up.

he wonders if it's him.
and i wonder if it's me.


all i want is a family,
like everyone else i see.
and i won't understand it
if it's not meant to be.


'cause i would die for that.
just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that they have.
i would die for that.

and i want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
for that kind of love,
what i'd give up!
i would die for that.

sometimes it's hard to conceive, 
with all that i've got,
and all i've achieved,
what i want most 
before my time is gone,
is to hear the words
"i love you, mom."


i would die for that. 
just to have once chance
to hold in my hands
what so many have
i would die for that.

and i want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
how i would love
what some give up.
i would die ...
i would die for that.

[kellie coffey]

clarity.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

time is such a funny thing.

this weekend was hard, and also great. saturday was one of the worst days ever. i don't know why... i was just 'growly' as brian calls it. nothing would go right. i felt utterly alone. i felt like no one in the world understood me. i felt so sad that all i could do was cry. either cry, or act like a complete nut. apparently, those are my only two coping methods... pretending to be normal is no where on that short list. i was miserable and inconsolable. and i had no good reason. just a combination of things... my feelings could not be suppressed. the day drug on and continued to spiral out of control. i pulled myself together because we had plans to go out for dinner and drinks with friends to celebrate my birthday. the first time we have hung out with any of our friends since january. it was long overdue, i only wished i hadn't spent the day so miserable inside of my own head. but it ended up to be blessing. seeing our friends helped me to feel like myself again. and feeling the love from people who genuinely care about us (and me), on a day when i was hating myself almost constantly, was welcome and needed.

i woke up on sunday feeling refreshed (and a little headachey from the numerous glasses of wine). but it was a moment of clarity for me. i'm learning to live with the new me. i am not the same person anymore, for a lot of reasons. but as long as i can keep working to make sure that i am a person that i am proud of and to do all things with love and to love myself, i will be okay.

lovechelsea

catching up...


pray god
you can cope
i stand outside this woman's work
this woman's world
ooh
it's hard on the man
now his part is over
now starts the craft of the father

i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left
i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left

i should be crying but i just can't let it show
i should be hoping but i can't stop thinking
of all the things i should've said that i never said
all the things we should've done that we never did
all the things i should've given but i didn't

oh
my darling make it go
make it go away

give me these moments back
give them back to me
give me that little kiss
give me your hand

i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left
i know you have a little life in you yet
i know you have a lot of strength left

i should be crying but i just can't let it show
i should be hoping but i can't stop thinking
ooh
of all the things we should've said that were never said
all the things we should've done that we never did
all the things that you needed from me
all the things that you wanted for me
all the things that i should've given but i didn't

oh
darling make it go
make it go away now
oh


[greg laswell]




good times for a change
see, the luck i've had
can make a good man
turn bad
so please please please
let me, let me, let me
let me get what i want
this time


haven't had a dream in a long time
see, the life i've had
can make a good man bad
so for once in my life
let me get what i want
lord knows it would be the first time
lord knows it would be the first time


[the smiths]




standing at the punch table, swallowing punch
can't pay attention to the sound of anyone
a little more stupid, a little more scared
every minute, more unprepared

i made a mistake in my life today
everything I love gets lost in the drawers
i want to start over, i want to be winning
way out of sync from the beginning

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god, I'm very, very frightened, i'll overdo it

looking for somewhere to stand and stay
i leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away
can i get a minute of not being nervous
and not thinking of my dick?

my leg is sparkles, my leg is pins
i better get my shit together, better gather my shit in
you could drive a car through my head in five minutes
from one side of it to the other

i wanna hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god, I'm very, very frightened, I?ll overdo it

you know i dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before i saw you
you know i dreamed about you
i missed you for, for twenty-nine years

you know i dreamed about you
for twenty-nine years before i saw you
you know i dreamed about you
i missed you for, for twenty-nine years


[the national]



you've been waiting on an answer
to something that's been on your mind
they tell you to be patient
that all will be revealed in time

so you keep on treading water
waiting for the tide to turn
and wondering all the while
when will it get easier?

come tomorrow
come tomorrow
come tomorrow
and leave today to yesterday

you're well aware of what you're missing
you count up every sacrifice you've made
but don't you ever stop believing
that it's worth it all someday


[juliet lloyd]

towers.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

the bon iver record is on.. the opening chords of 'towers' fill the room. i just finished painting color samples on the wall that i have had tucked away for months and sit down to take them in. idleness.. my mind goes blank and emotions flood in. i lay back and stare out the window.. my eyes focus without even trying at smoke billowing out of a chimney somewhere in the distance. in that moment, i try to think of something profound to say that could echo my heart. but there is nothing. just tears, when i thought they had all gone. G walks by me and his soft fur grazes my feet as he does. i had forgotten about the samples on the wall... i try to fill my mind with the colors and the scent of the vanilla amber burning and the sound of the music and nothing else.



for the love, i'd fallen on
in the swampy august dawn
what a mischief you would bring young darling!

when the onus is not all your own
when you're up for it before you've grown

from the faun forever gone
in the towers of your honeycomb

i'd a tore your hair out just to climb back darling
when you're filling out your only form
can you tell that it's just ceremon'
now you've added up to what you're from

build your tether rain-out from your fragments'
break the sailor's table on your sacrum'
fuck the fiercest fables, i'm with Hagen

for the love, comes the burning young
from the liver, sweating through your tongue
well, you're standing on my sternum don't you climb down darling
oh the sermons are the first to rest
smoke on sundays when you're drunk and dressed
out the hollows where the swallow nests

[bon iver]

the greatest.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013



once i wanted to be the greatest
no wind or waterfall could stall me
and then came the rush of the flood
stars of night turned deep to dust

melt me down
into big black armor
leave no trace of grace
just in your honor
lower me down
to culprit south
make 'em wash a space in town
for the lead
and the dregs of my bed
i've been sleepin'
lower me down
pin me in
secure the grounds
for the later parade

once i wanted to be the greatest
two fists of solid rock
with brains that could explain
any feeling

lower me down
pin me in
secure the grounds
for the lead
and the dregs of my bed
i've been sleepin'
for the later parade

once i wanted to be the greatest
no wind or waterfall could stall me
and then came the rush of the flood
stars of night turned deep to dust

[cat power]

dear twenty eight,

Monday, March 11, 2013


it’s strange being here. where i never dreamed i would be when i met you. but here i am… hopefully where i am meant to be. as an avid planner, list-maker, organizer (to a fault) i have had my life mapped out before me since adolescence. especially since i had already met my guy, i knew exactly what i wanted and i have never wavered from that. but growing older has forced me to realize that while i should always chase after my dreams, i should also be open to the possibility of more. and that can be a beautiful thing, and also a really terrifying thing. a thing i might hate. as easy as it would be to give in and wear bitterness on my sleeve because my plan went awry, there is too much beauty in the world to do that. i have to trust in the bigger plan for me; that He is taking me where i need to go. it is so hard. when you don’t know why. so many why’s. i have learned a lot about myself and my husband and my marriage lately, and maybe that is what was supposed to happen. maybe that was the bigger plan all along? to learn those things and understand them in order to continue on my path. i don’t know why.. and i don’t have to like it, but i am learning to trust in it and some days that struggle fills my day. especially on days when i am turning 28 and my plan is so far out of my reach.

maybe there is much more for me to learn at 28. maybe there isn’t. either way, i have to accept that this is where i am and that this is my life. i will not spend my life wishing away moments for something better. what if this is the best and i don’t know it yet? what if i am too busy daydreaming of perfect smiles from a little one that is mine and i miss a sun setting right before my eyes? can i learn to do both at the same time? i don’t want to miss it.

my plan is gone. long washed away by the reality of life and i am clinging to the hope that is dangling in front of me for dear life.

sincerely,
this hopeful albeit terrified 28 year old.

ps. coincidentally enough, or not, this was my bible verse for the day:



“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” –Fredrick Buechner


the suburbs.


in the suburbs i
i learned to drive
and you told me we'd never survive
grab your mother's keys we're leavin'

you always seemed so sure
that one day we'd be fighting
in a suburban war
your part of town against mine
i saw you' standin' on the opposite shore
but by the time the first bombs fell
we were already bored
we were already, already bored

sometimes i can't believe it
i'm movin' past the feeling
sometimes i can't believe it
i'm movin' past the feeling again

kids wanna be so hard
but in my dreams we're still screamin' and runnin' through the yard
and all of the walls that they built in the seventies finally fall
and all of the houses they build in the seventies finally fall
meant nothin' at all
meant nothin' at all
it meant nothin

sometimes i can't believe it
i'm movin' past the feeling
sometimes i can't believe it
i'm movin' past the feeling and into the night

so can you understand?
why I want a daughter while I'm still young
i wanna hold her hand
and show her some beauty
before all this damage is done

but if it's too much to ask, if it's too much to ask
then send me a son

under the overpass
in the parking lot we're still waiting
it's already passed
so move your feet from hot pavement and into the grass
cause it's already passed
it's already, already passed!

sometimes i can't believe it
i'm movin' past the feeling
Sometimes I can't believe it
I'm movin' past the feeling again

I'm movin' past the feeling
I'm movin' past the feeling

In my dreams we're still screamin'
We're still screamin'
We're still screamin'

[arcade fire]

the world spins madly on.

Sunday, March 10, 2013


woke up and wished that i was dead
with an aching in my head 
i lay motionless in bed
i thought of you and where you'd gone
and let the world spin madly on

everything that I said I'd do 
like make the world brand new
and take the time for you
i just got lost and slept right through the dawn 
and the world spins madly on

i let the day go by 
i always say goodbye
i watch the stars from my window sill 
the whole world is moving and i'm standing still

woke up and wished that i was dead 
with an aching in my head 
i lay motionless in bed
the night is here and the day is gone
and the world spins madly on

i thought of you and where you'd gone 
and the world spins madly on

[the weepies]

this gift.

Saturday, March 9, 2013


this gift will last forever
this gift will never let you down
some things are made from better stuff
this gift is waiting to be found

your heart's in wide receiving
been too long buried in the sand
some things require believing
this gift will fall right in your hand
just try to understand...

if you long enough
and you don't give up
if you're strong enough
and you don't give up
and you...

you'll be no harbor to the sorrow
just let it go

don't hang your head in sorrow
don't give up just before you win
don't wait around for tomorrow
open up your arms and let it in

this gift will last forever
this gift will never let you down
some things are made from better stuff
this gift is ready to be found
just you believe it now 

this gift will last forever
this gift will never let you down
some things are made from better stuff
this gift is ready to be found
your heart's in wide receiving
been too long buried in the sand
some things require believing
these things just fall right in your hand
just try to understand

if you long enough
and you don't give up
if you're strong enough
and you don't give up

[glen hansard]

days.

Friday, March 8, 2013


yesterday was a great day. 

brian, G and I took off for madison early in the morning for G’s weekly chemo treatment (his 8thround). we dropped him off, which is always so hard, but brian was determined for us to have a good day together. the sun was shining and he took me to one of my favorite places on earth… the supertarget on midvale. the one with the escalators and the huge starbucks inside overlooking a beautiful part of the city. yes, that one. we spent hours, looking at anything and everything... eventually having to narrow down the wide variety of choices that made their way into our cart. checking out with picture frames, candles, books, shoes & bags… all things that make me a very, very happy girl. did I mention this was whilst sipping a hazelnut macchiato? yes. it's no longer a secret, he knows the way to my soul. 
then we ventured off for lunch and happened upon the brasserie v, in one of my favorite neighborhoods of madison, monroe street. we ordered a pear cider beer to share, because this place is known for their wide beer selection, and took in their amazing menu. we shared some frites and brian enjoyed a (really good) burger and I tasted my first ever crocque madame (something I have wanted to try ever since watching meryl streep whip them up for steve martin in it’s complicated ). let me tell you… it did not let me down. i would even go so far to say one of my top favorite meals of my life. yes, that good. smothered with melted swiss and a egg, you guys. oh.




we hung in the restaurant for a bit, enjoying our beverages and letting all of the glorious food settle and then we meandered across the street to a comic book store of all things (we’ve never read comics), but we needed change for the meter and ended up involved in a very pleasant conversation with the owner about the walking dead . then we popped into the trader joes next door for some fresh tulips and butter waffle cookies. perfect.

we headed back to the U to pick up our boy and were happily informed that he is now in FULL REMISSION. this is such great news that we have hoping and praying for. this means that the chemotherapy is working and we will hopefully have the longest amount of time left with our boy as possible. we still need to finish up his chemotherapy, which will continue until may, but we just could not be more thrilled and more proud of our boy. he is so loved at the U and they care about him so much. it makes everything much easier for us.

we tucked our boy into the back seat and headed for home… making a list of all of our favorite meals during the drive, prompted by our excellent lunch.

what a great day.

today is a bit harder, but I knew that it would be. today would have been our first prenatal appointment. I really should get a new calendar…. having already crossed out all prenatal appointments that were made from now until may, but I know that the dates are ingrained into my memory anyway.

brian gave me this sweet, sweet, tiny rose necklace today.



and we will continue push forward.
some days will always hurt more than others.

lovechelsea

[necklace from etsy shop nestprettythings by tamar]

beauty from pain.



the lights go out all around me
one last candle to keep out the night

and then the darkness surrounds me

i know i'm alive but i feel like i've died
and all that's left is to accept that it's over
my dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
i try to keep warm but i just grow colder
i feel like I'm slipping away

after all this has passed, i still will remain
after i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
though it won't be today, someday i'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain
you will bring beauty from my pain

my whole world is the pain inside me
the best I can do is just get through the day
when life before is only a memory
i'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
and though i can't understand why this happened
i know that i will when i look back someday
and see how you've brought beauty from ashes
and made me as gold purified through these flames

after all this has passed, i still will remain
after i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
though it won't be today, someday i'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain
you will bring beauty from my pain

here i am at the end of me (at the end of me)
tryin' to hold to what i can't see (to what I can't see)
i forgot how to hope
this night's been so long
i cling to your promise
there will be a dawn

after all this has passed, i still will remain
after i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
though it won't be today, someday i'll hope again
and there'll be beauty from pain
you will bring beauty from my pain

[superchick]

i will wait.

Thursday, March 7, 2013


well i came home
like a stone
and i fell heavy into your arms
these days of darkness
which we've known
will blow away with this new sun.

but i'll kneel down,
wait for now
and i'll kneel down,
know my ground.

and i will wait, i will wait for you
and i will wait, i will wait for you.

so break my step
and relent
well, you forgave and i won't forget
know what we've seen
and him with less
now in some way shake the excess.

'cause i will wait, i will wait for you
and I will wait, i will wait for you
and i will wait, i will wait for you
and I will wait, i will wait for you

now i'll be bold
as well as strong
and use my head alongside my heart
so tame my flesh
and fix my eyes
a tethered mind freed from the lies

and i'll kneel down,
wait for now
i'll kneel down,
know my ground
raise my hands
paint my spirit gold
and bow my head
feel my heart slow.

'cause i will wait, i will wait for you
and i will wait, i will wait for you
and i will wait, i will wait for you
and i will wait, i will wait for you.

[mumford and sons]


keep breathing.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013


the storm is coming, but i don't mind.
people are dying, i close my blinds.

all that i know is i'm breathing now.


i want to change the world, instead i sleep.

i want to believe in more than you and me.

but all that i know is i'm breathing.

all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing now.

all that i know is i'm breathing.
all i can do is keep breathing.
all we can do is keep breathing.

all we can do is keep breathing now.


[ingrid michaelson]

small bump.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013


you were just a small bump unborn, in four months you're brought to life,
you might be left with my hair, but you'll have your mother's eyes.
i'll hold your body in my hands, be as gentle as i can,
but for now your a scan on my unmade plans.
a small bump in four months, you're brought to life.
a small bump in four months, you'll open your eyes.

i'll whisper quietly, i'll give you nothing but truth,
i'll hold you tightly, i'll give you nothing but truth,
if you're not inside me, i'll put my future in you.

you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
oh, you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
and you'll be alright.

oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.
with a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,
and eyelids closed to be soon opened wide.
a small bump, in four months you'll open your eyes.

and i'll hold you tightly, i'll give you nothing but the truth.
i'll hold you tightly, i'll give you nothing but truth,
if you're not inside me, i'll put my future in you.

you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
oh, you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
and you'll be alright.

you can lie with me,
with your tiny feet.
when you're half asleep,
i'll leave you be.
right in front of me,
for a couple weeks,
 so i can keep you safe.

'cause you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
oh, you are my one and only.
you can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
and you'll be alright.


'cause you were just a small bump unborn for four months then torn from life.
maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

[ed sheeran]


keep your head up.

Monday, March 4, 2013

it's no secret that music is a huge part of my life. i can relate to a song when i feel like no one else on earth can understand me. and some days, that is everything.

i have had a playlist... "when i need it" it's called. it started off so small... years and years ago when our battle with infertility began. just a few songs that i stumbled upon or that i felt related to what was in my heart. as you can imagine, since then it has grown.

and grown. and grown.

i listen to it on particularly bad days. i listen to it on days when i feel alone. i listen to it on days when i feel like i might fall apart. i listen to it on days when i need hope. since our miscarriage, i have found even more, so many more, songs that help me to feel less alone... less tragic... less hurt. some of the songs are sad and just let me cry. some let me be bitter. but so many give me hope and faith. and in this journey, that is all i can ask for.

if these songs can help anyone the way that they have helped and continue to help me, then i am happy for sharing them. even if you are not struggling with infertility, so many of these songs are about loss and heartache and finding the courage to find hope again. i can't think of anyone who would not want to find the joy in a song like that.

i thought about posting them all... making my big playlist public for all. but i realized how overwhelming that would be. too hard to listen to them and appreciate the verses that way. instead, i am going to be posting one song a day. music is so healing for me. i wish that everyone could feel the way that i feel in my soul when i listen to these songs.





i spent my time, watching
the spaces that have grown between us.
and i cut my mind on second best,
oh the scars that come with the greenness.
and i gave my eyes to the boredom,
still the seabed wouldn't let me in.
and i try my best to embrace the darkness
in which i swim.

now walking back, down this mountain,
the strength of a turnin' tide.
oh the wind so soft, and my skin,
yeah the sun so hot upon my side.
oh lookin' out at this happiness
i searched for between the sheets,
oh feelin' blind, i realize,
all i was searchin' for was me.
oh oh oh, all i was searchin' for was me.

oh yeah, keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
no, no, no, no, keep your mind set, keep your hair long.
oh my, my darlin', keep your head up, keep your heart strong.
na, oh, no, no, keep your mind set in your ways.
keep your heart strong.

[ben howard]

lovechelsea

CopyRight © | Theme Designed By Hello Manhattan