some things that I have spent $$ on lately.

Friday, April 27, 2012


{perfect magazine issues}.

{avocados for toast}.

{lots of doggy treats because I tend to be generous with him}.

{plenty of coffee that gets me out of bed in the mornings so I can see sunrises like this one}...

{..... and this one}.

{pretty nail colours}.

{clutches that remind me of sorbet}.

{goodies for my sister's baby shower}.

{including onesies for decorating. technically I think mom bought these}.

{these thrifting finds}.

{and this thrifting find... this nightstand. the paint choices are endless! do you see the bow pulls ya'll?!?!}

{my beloved nc necklace from here}.

{my record store day finds this year.. obsessed with all of them. still holding out hope for the empire records soundtrack and foster the people releases though}.

and finally, the vsco cam app responsible for most of the photo editing above. I feel like I have been waiting for lightyears for its release and it's perfect.

and right now I am off to spend some more money on chinese takeout with the hubs so I best be going.

happy weekend loves!


I adore this commercial. I don't say this a lot about commercials, but seriously I love it. And it makes me cry...

in a good way.

coincidentally, I also love google chrome very much.


infertility awareness week.

Don't ignore this week. Read more about it here.

Get involved: a thought, a prayer, a kind word.


be gentle.

Monday, April 16, 2012

I read this today and wept. and wept. and wept. But it was almost a happy weeping... because it was the first time in a long time that I have not felt completely and entirely alone in this journey. I struggle daily with how to explain/describe/write these feelings, as lindsey says, without sounding bitter, or desperate or angry. her sincerity and bravery speak to me on a personal level so intimate that even I feel fragile posting this. But it's raw and it's true and it's brave. And it's me...

What can I say? It's seeing your life on hold, while you watch everyone's flying by. It's wanting something so precious, but increasingly elusive. It's wanting to hold a baby in your arms. Not someone else's baby, but your baby.

It's wanting to be pregnant. To be sick. To have swollen ankles. To stay up all night, rocking a screaming newborn.

And trying, at first casually, then slightly worried, frantically, desperately, and devastatingly, numbingly.

It's trying everything, absolutely everything. It's being on prenatals, just in case. It's thinking about what you will be doing next year for Christmas, you know, when you have a baby. And then next year. And then the year after that.

It's planning how you will announce the news. For Easter we will put the good news in an Easter Egg, around Mother's Day we will give a rattle as a gift, for Halloween we will dress up as a Bun in the Oven.

It was maybe silly, but you spent hours thinking about it. And hours thinking about names. Writing them down. Trying different spellings. Realizing that Atticus Scott Stewart had an unfortunate acronym.

It's mourning the life you dreamed. It's trying to adjust to the might nots. It's protecting your increasingly delicate heart. It's sobbing every month, because you were a little late, you thought maybe this time. Month, after month, after month. 72 months of trying, 2,190 days of hoping.

It's being poked and prodded, and giving up blood, and urine. Tests that hurt, tests that are embarrassing, tests that are scary.

It's bolstering your heart, preparing for the worst, and hoping, in the tiniest place in your heart, for the best. Because if you don't, and a babe in arms isn't waiting, you know you could lose yourself.

It's being desperate to give all your love to a child. Children. It's imagining picnics, soccer games, vacations.

It's wanting to comb curly hair, or maybe straight, and wash freckly skin, or maybe clear. And sing songs about boogie monsters, and smell fresh washed hair, falling asleep with a warm body next too you.

It's being afraid to say things out loud, because you might make them true.

It's uncertainty. Deafening uncertainty. Overwhelming fear, that you put into a box. And try not to look in to.

It's lonely.

It's rejoicing in other mothers, other babies, other lives. But still not wanting to hear about the ease of others conceptions.

It's constant guilt. Guilt for those 5 years you waited. Guilt that you went to school first. Guilt that you were 27 when you decided now was the time. Oh, how naive you were, that you thought you could control this. That you had your life planned out. You're guilty for your age, for the time you have waited between IVF. If only you did this last year, you would have had a baby now. Your eggs would have been one year younger. One year more awesome. It's the fact that you even talk about eggs. That's weird.

It's staying quiet when told, "Adopt, then you will get pregnant. Think positive, then you will get pregnant. Try acupuncture, then you will get pregnant. Now you have Lucy, you will definitely get pregnant. Be grateful, you are already have a baby." As if Lucy wasn't the sun that centers my world.
But, I dreamed of a family, of 5, then 4, then 3, then 2.

It's being positive for others, because they want you to be happy, but you really just want to say,"I'm devastated. I'm heartbroken."

It's being diagnosed with "unexplained," which basically means we don't know, which leads to, "we really can't say what will work and what wont." So it adds up to a high stakes guessing game.

It's shots, after shots, after shots, after shots. It's bruises, in various places, your heart being one of them. It's money that you don't have, but don't regret spending, but still don't have.

It's recognizing that nobody really understands that your dreams, although not quite dead, are at breaking stage. It's a limbo between joy and sadness, happiness and pain.

It's realizing that the treatments you are now doing, are the end of the line for pregnancy. And here you are 7 years older than when you first started this, when you thought you would be done, but really you are just beginning. It's telling Lucy she is going to have a little brother named Jack. It's hoping Lucy will have a little brother named Jack.

It's knowing that you can put everything you have left, into this last ditch effort, all your money, all your emotions, all your walls, and recognize that you can give it everything, but that doesn't guarantee anything. Only 40%.

It's putting your faith in God. Completely. You have no other choice. You have been completely
humbled. But you recognize your way isn't God's way. And Faith is a hard road sometimes.

Be gentle. Infertility is a lonely valley, traveled by two people, clinging to each other with all their might.

{written here by the ever brave, lindsey.}

recent ramblings.


kellan cuddles and g snuggles.
fro yo shops and one tree hill quotes.
ravens and evenings with friends. and dogs.
all the one tree hill memorabilia i can get my hands on.
tulips and nap time.
grandpa smirks and endings.
squishes and ranunculus.
random store sobs and giant campfires.
goodbyes and good daylight.
saying goodbye forever and cherishing the memories.

to go along with the endings and goodbyes,
new ventures have begun too.
and even though there are holes in my heart that can never be filled.....
"life doesn't stop for any body."

today was my first day at my new workplace
and i am getting excited for this new adventure.
i think i'm going to like it there.

until next time, loves.


really good ones.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

I have been so addicted to these songs lately, it is not even right. honestly. I usually try not to post a ton of them at once like this for fear that no one will listen, but I beg of you to do so this time. I love them all so much that this list could not be dwindled any.

tonight we watched my sister perform in the middle school production of Oliver {she nailed it!} then we went out for some frozen yogurt and are now piled on the couch listening to the thunderstorm and playing sonic on the playstation.

happy saturday loves.


Thursday, April 12, 2012

most of our lives is a series of images,
they pass us by like towns on the highway.
but sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens
and we know that this instant
is more than a fleeting image.
we know that this moment,
every part of it,
will live on forever.

a few of my favorite things.

favorite letter is b.
favorite number is nine. and twenty-three.
favorite color is blush pink. or mint green.
favorite flower is ranunculus.
favorite place is wilmington, nc. followed closely by my bed.
favorite animals are bulldogs.
favorite smell is babies skin.
favorite season is autumn.
favorite food is pasta.
favorite show is one tree hill.
favorite candies are milky ways.
favorite movie is empire records.
favorite time is 1:43.
favorite band is death cab for cutie.
favorite drink is coke.
favorite book is the perks of being a wallflower. or east of eden.
favorite word is wanderlust. and lalu.
favorite thing is stories.

{inspired by stephanie's post here.}

happy feet.

Monday, April 9, 2012

I'm in the market for a new pair of shoes for summer and these are the current contenders. Hmmmm.... how to choose? how to choose?  I have wanted black salt-waters for about as long as I can remember, and know that they would hold up perfectly all year long. However, I still don't have a pair of the Tom's ballet flats... can you believe that? Me! And then of course Joy had to go and post about these magnificent Seychelles (which is a dear favorite brand of mine) in this killer turquoise/purple combo. Oh vey! Where is the money tree around here?! I think I need all three.


so hold high have faith your reasons.

All that I would really like to do is fill my blog right now with one tree hill videos, photos, gifs, quotes, songs, thoughts, words, everything that has been consuming my life for the past five days. But I will refrain. You can go to my tumblr for plenty of that. But yes, it's over. It's all over. If you have been following my blog for any amount of significant time, you know who much this "little show that could" has meant to me for the past nine years.

So hold high, have faith, your reasons...


one tree hill.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

it’s the oldest story in the world. one day you’re seventeen and planning for ‘some day’, and then quietly and without you ever really noticing, ‘some day’ is today.

and then ‘some day’ is yesterday. and this is your life. we spend so much time wanting, pursuing, wishing. but ambition is good. chasing things with integrity is good. dreaming. 

if you had a friend you knew you’d never see again, what would you say? if you could do one last thing for someone you love, what would it be? say it, do it, don’t wait. nothing lasts forever. make a wish and place it in your heart. anything you want. everything you want. do you have it? good. now believe it can come true. you never know where the next miracle’s gonna come from. the next memory. the next smile. the next wish come true.

but if you believe that it’s right around the corner, and you open your heart and your mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you just might get the thing you’re wishing for. the world is full of magic, you just have to believe in it.

so make your wish. do you have it? good. now believe in it. with all your heart.
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