lalu bean.

more little things.

+ the smell that the lilac bush in our backyard sends rushing through the house.
+ listening to a ton of caitlin rose lately.
+ and songs from nashville.
+ and the song below on repeat.
+ creating a budget and actually working to stick to it for once.

^^^^^do you see him in that sweater?!?!^^^

+ seeing the great gatsby in the theater with my family on mother's day.

+ leo owning the great gatsby and being so thrilled that the adaptation lived up to the book. tenfold.

+ carey mulligan everything.

+ one more treatment in G's chemotherapy protocol and then we are done!

+ finally enjoying spring-like weather on a consistent schedule.

+ reading. a lot.

+ the honest life is really sticking with me.

now it's off to farmer's market with the family & to take photos of some cute little toddlers on this sunny saturday.

which now that i think about it, can also be added to this list.

happy weekend! Xxo

little things.

+ the sound of the rain hitting the windows in the morning when you're still laying in bed.

+ having more pillows on your bed than you know what to do with.

+ when the library has all of the books on your list.

+ lush products {i will never not use this stuff; blousey is my favorite beauty product ever}.

+ when it actually feels like spring.

+ caprese salad season.
+ the great gatsby trailer that i can't stop watching.
+ finding an emmylou harris lp in the dollar bin.
+ dates that you will always remember.
+ essie's splash of grenadine.
+ sleeping in with G.
+ sparkling clementine juice.
+ finally getting around to watching a movie that you end up loving.
+ affirmations.

rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. it actually takes guts. each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior's world. pema chodron

a little post on kindness & faith.

i have to share a story today.. of one beautiful person and one of the most heartfelt moments i have, thankfully, experienced in my life.

one of my dearest internet friends, jessee, is a very, very talented artist. i constantly ogle over her amazing artisitc abilities while she ogles over silly things that G does.

in march, jessee posted the above photo on her instagram feed and i immediately commented on how much i adored this piece, even more than i usually fall in love with her work. it was exactly the reminder that i needed at a hard point in my life. i was so grateful.

shortly thereafter, i received the sweetest email from jessee and i don't know if i have ever been so touched as i was that day. she told me that she was thinking of me when she created this brilliant thing. that she created something as beautiful as that with me in her mind as inspiration and that she was sending me the original! i was flabbergasted and moved and touched beyond belief. i don't know that i've ever felt such sincere and genuine appreciation for a person (especially one that i only know via the internet).

i wanted to share this sweet story because i want to remember it always, but also because jessee caught me at a really prominent time in my life. when i needed it the most, she graced me with such a simple and sincere act of kindness that i clung to. i will cherish this work of art, jessee, and i will always remember the faith that you gave to me when i needed it the most. i hope that i can always remember to be kind, first and foremost. you never know how much your kindness could help someone.

and please, please, please be sure to check out jessee's wonderful shop on society 6 where you can see and purchase more of her beautiful work. such a talented friend she is!

meanwhile, i am finally catching my breath and eager to jump back into things. hopefully, you will be hearing from me a lot more soon.

somuchlovechelsea

so what can i do?

...but throw my hands up in the air and hang on to what this life has given me? i can take pretty photos and tackle home projects and love my husband so much that it crushes me. i can distract my mind with inspiring things and my hands with work that needs doing. i can focus on god to try to fill the hole in my heart that i know can't be reached. but what can you do?

what else can you do?

there is nothing but the faith of the future that keeps tugging you down the path of life. it's jolty and jarring and it feels like it will break you, but what other choice is there?

every day, i have to live with myself. i have to wake up and greet the day because i know that each day is a gift. the longing, the desperation, the earth-shattering ache inside me that i feel cannot be tamed. it is a part of me now. and every day is a battle inside me to remain myself and to endure the pain and still grasp the beauty of the world.

what else is there to do?

chelsea

i would die for that.

jenny was my best friend
went away one summer
came back with a secret
she just couldn't keep.
a child inside her,
was just too much for her
so she cried herself to sleep.

and she made a decision
some find hard to accept.
too young to know that one day
she might live to regret.

but I would die for that.
just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that she had.
i would die for that.

i've been given so much,
a husband that I love.
so why do I feel incomplete?
with every test and checkup
we're told not to give up.
he wonders if it's him.
and i wonder if it's me.

all i want is a family,
like everyone else i see.
and i won't understand it
if it's not meant to be.

'cause i would die for that.
just to have one chance
to hold in my hands
all that they have.
i would die for that.

and i want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
for that kind of love,
what i'd give up!
i would die for that.

sometimes it's hard to conceive,
with all that i've got,
and all i've achieved,
what i want most
before my time is gone,
is to hear the words
"i love you, mom."

i would die for that.
just to have once chance
to hold in my hands
what so many have
i would die for that.

and i want to know what it's like
to bring a dream to life.
how i would love
what some give up.
i would die ...
i would die for that.

[kellie coffey]

clarity.

time is such a funny thing.

this weekend was hard, and also great. saturday was one of the worst days ever. i don't know why... i was just 'growly' as brian calls it. nothing would go right. i felt utterly alone. i felt like no one in the world understood me. i felt so sad that all i could do was cry. either cry, or act like a complete nut. apparently, those are my only two coping methods... pretending to be normal is no where on that short list. i was miserable and inconsolable. and i had no good reason. just a combination of things... my feelings could not be suppressed. the day drug on and continued to spiral out of control. i pulled myself together because we had plans to go out for dinner and drinks with friends to celebrate my birthday. the first time we have hung out with any of our friends since january. it was long overdue, i only wished i hadn't spent the day so miserable inside of my own head. but it ended up to be blessing. seeing our friends helped me to feel like myself again. and feeling the love from people who genuinely care about us (and me), on a day when i was hating myself almost constantly, was welcome and needed.

i woke up on sunday feeling refreshed (and a little headachey from the numerous glasses of wine). but it was a moment of clarity for me. i'm learning to live with the new me. i am not the same person anymore, for a lot of reasons. but as long as i can keep working to make sure that i am a person that i am proud of and to do all things with love and to love myself, i will be okay.

lovechelsea

catching up...

pray god

you can cope

i stand outside this woman's work

this woman's world

ooh

it's hard on the man

now his part is over

now starts the craft of the father

i know you have a little life in you yet

i know you have a lot of strength left

i know you have a little life in you yet

i know you have a lot of strength left

i should be crying but i just can't let it show

i should be hoping but i can't stop thinking

of all the things i should've said that i never said

all the things we should've done that we never did

all the things i should've given but i didn't

oh

my darling make it go

make it go away

give me these moments back

give them back to me

give me that little kiss

give me your hand

i know you have a little life in you yet

i know you have a lot of strength left

i know you have a little life in you yet

i know you have a lot of strength left

i should be crying but i just can't let it show

i should be hoping but i can't stop thinking

ooh

of all the things we should've said that were never said

all the things we should've done that we never did

all the things that you needed from me

all the things that you wanted for me

all the things that i should've given but i didn't

darling make it go

make it go away now

[greg laswell]

good times for a change

see, the luck i've had

can make a good man

turn bad

so please please please

let me, let me, let me

let me get what i want

this time

haven't had a dream in a long time

see, the life i've had

can make a good man bad

so for once in my life

let me get what i want

lord knows it would be the first time

[the smiths]

standing at the punch table, swallowing punch

can't pay attention to the sound of anyone

a little more stupid, a little more scared

every minute, more unprepared

i made a mistake in my life today

everything I love gets lost in the drawers

i want to start over, i want to be winning

way out of sync from the beginning

i wanna hurry home to you

put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up

so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain

god, I'm very, very frightened, i'll overdo it

looking for somewhere to stand and stay

i leaned on the wall and the wall leaned away

can i get a minute of not being nervous

and not thinking of my dick?

my leg is sparkles, my leg is pins

i better get my shit together, better gather my shit in

you could drive a car through my head in five minutes

from one side of it to the other

i wanna hurry home to you

put on a slow, dumb show for you and crack you up

so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain

god, I'm very, very frightened, I?ll overdo it

you know i dreamed about you

for twenty-nine years before i saw you

you know i dreamed about you

i missed you for, for twenty-nine years

[the national]

you've been waiting on an answer

to something that's been on your mind

they tell you to be patient

that all will be revealed in time

so you keep on treading water

waiting for the tide to turn

and wondering all the while

when will it get easier?

come tomorrow

come tomorrow

and leave today to yesterday

you're well aware of what you're missing

you count up every sacrifice you've made

but don't you ever stop believing

that it's worth it all someday

[juliet lloyd]