a lot of these changes will be internal and no one will know them but me. but hopefully my changes will shine through. I just want to be happier.
little by little I have worked on my positivity and controlling my attitude this past year. small changes can make a big difference. you may noticed my increase of motivational quotes and spiritual figures retweets on twitter. you have not noticed my inner battle with myself everyday to move on and let go and be happy. I have to work at this every day. I have to remind myself to work on this every day. and you know what, some days I lose. some days I am miserable and feel alone and like an afterthought. those are bad days. but the good ones make up for it. I bask in the moments when I'm driving to work or shopping for groceries or paying the bills and something so beautiful and raw and pure and simple happens before me and I am overwhelmed with happiness. I can't describe this, but it's how I know I am alive. and how I can believe in the good in the world. and how I can know that I am where I'm suppose to be. just yesterday, driving to work.... freezing cold.... running late..... mismatched socks..... no coffee and completely flustered..... when I suddenly notice the tops of all of the trees are lit up from the sun that just snuck out from behind the clouds. in my rear view mirror the sun is bright and blinding and beautiful from behind even more trees lit up with its oranges and yellows. it's so striking that it washes everything else and I am just there, in that moment, where I'm suppose to be.
In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary.
I have thoroughly enjoyed working through Susannah's unravelling workbook to reflect on 2011 and figure out what I can build on in the next 12 months. it has been so helpful and so inspiring. my word for 2012:
I debated for several weeks over what my word should be, and I am confident that embrace is the best choice for me to be the best possible me. I tend to fall into funks of feeling sorry for myself and stay there as long as I'm comfortable. this is selfish and unfair to those around me and really gets me nowhere anyway. I'm not naive enough to believe that this will no longer ever happen-- but I will be working to embrace where I am in my life and focus on how blessed I am in 2012.
I'm going to embrace the opportunites around me, no matter how much they scare me. no matter how much they terrify me. I realize that I can't stay in this in-between-and-infinitely-feeling-stuck place forever. or even for another moment.
my nephew has taught me a lot of things already. the most important being that life is precious. and I don't want to hold on to things that hurt anymore.
so this is the new year...