the post that I probably shouldn't write...

Thursday, January 26, 2012

..... but am anyway because who gives a shit at this point.

I can't get pregnant. Big surprise, no? A lot of people know this already, but it's not really something that I divulge 24/7 either. For the past couple of years I have actually been quite bottled up about it {ie, living in denial of my own emotional state- whichever you so chose}. The year before that, not so much. And the year before that, not at all. I talked to anyone who would listen because we were so excited. Yes, that's right. This has been going for almost four years. No wonder I'm a complete emotional basket case.... typing it makes it seem more real.

You want to know what's even more pathetic? Not only can I not get pregnant... but I can't afford a doctor to tell me that I can't get pregnant. The second the word "infertility" is thrown around, every red flag within a hundred mile radius is waving in your face and the all of the little steps that you thought you were making are thrown into a stop so fast you have backtrack just to get there.

This September we will be married five years. And this April marks twelve years that we have been together. I knew I wanted to have that man's babies the second I laid eyes on him, so in retrospect you can see how long my feelings have been involved. After we married, we wanted to have some time to ourselves to enjoy our marriage. So we planned to wait a year and see how we felt then. When our first anniversary started coming into the picture, we were so excited that we threw away the pills before the calendar even flipped to September. And while we weren't expecting anything immediately.... we weren't expecting what we got either. Which was a big fat nothing. After close to a year of nothing, I threw myself into books, web sites, forums, charting temperatures, vitamins... any little thing that I could get my hands on, read about, casually strolling the baby sections at Target pretending I had babies to buy for... {I won't tell you that I have a perfectly new, in box, bassinet in the basement collecting dust; no I won't tell you that}. I am not kidding you when I say that every day for months and months I woke up at the exact same time and took my temperature while trying not to move an inch for the most accurate results. I'm sure some of you have been here... it is both exciting and so nerve-wracking that some days you don't even want to look at the temp that you just set your 5am alarm clock for. After what seemed like an extremely long length of time involved in these general antics {and some appointments and general testing with my doctor} I'm sad to say that I was discouraged and kind of gave up.

I had come to the realization after about two years of this that it just wasn't meant to be right now and that I had to relieve myself of this for a while because I was slowly driving myself insane... thinking of absolutely nothing else and feeling sorry myself. Not exactly where I wanted to be. So I just kind of stopped... much to my husband's dismay. Talking about it now, I realize that this action was even more of feeling sorry for myself, so much so that I didn't think I deserved to even try anymore. But my brain convinced my heart that my lack of efforts was for my own good.... to give my emotions some rest for a while, to enjoy being young and free and in love with my husband, and to leave these plans up to god for whenever they were meant to happen for us.

Two years later.................

It seems like everyone is having babies these days. And I do mean everyone. It is a part of my life that I can no longer avoid and I am grateful for that. There are so many wonderful and amazing babies in my life now and I am so wholeheartedly grateful for them. Great friends, tons of family and co-workers, even my sister, have all been so extremely blessed with the most precious of babies that I have ever seen, that I don't even know how this much of such an extraordinary thing is allowed in our world.

Surrounded by babies, the feelings that I pushed down so far had nowhere to go but back up. Slowly, but surely they started filling my head and my heart again, and even though I denied them, I was constantly aware of them. I knew that no matter what I tried to convince myself, this is what I wanted and that it would never, ever go away.

Finally after having convinced myself {with a lot of pushing from husband} that this is something I wanted to start actively thinking about again, I called a doctor for a check-in appointment. Due to insurance changes {aren't those grand?} I have had to switch doctors and can no longer see the doctor that I have seen my entire adult life. And today the reality of a new doctor, at a new office, with new rules and stipulations got the best of me. Because of my "infertility history" I can't even be seen without loads of money being thrown their way first. While I understand it from their perspective, from mine it is gut-wrenching. I just want to be doing something... anything that I can to move forward. After finally getting myself somewhat emotionally ready to try to move forward with this again, and taking that gigantic leap of making the call, and thinking that I have finally gotten myself there again.... I am SHUT DOWN. I'm not even sure where my emotions are at this point. I think they ran into my bedroom and are hiding under the covers.

I know that this isn't the end of the road for us {obviously} but I can already hear me convincing myself that this is all because it's just not our time and I need to go back to being free and careless and enjoying my perfect life with my husband {believe me, I have family and friends and a packed social calendar that makes this very convincing! I love my life right now!} All of that is very true, and even though I adore my life and feel so grateful for it everyday, I know that deep down I want more. One minor setback like this, involving money no less, and I am so easily scared away. I know that dreams are meant to be chased, but this one is so hard to keep moving towards. I just want to curl up and stay put until someone comes and carries me there. I feel too weak to do to this anymore.

But I know that I'm not and that I won't be.

I have wanted to be a mother my entire life.

And I won't give up.

I feel a bit better having gotten this off of my chest. And if you stuck around this long, kuddos to you for attending the Chelsea pity party. Alas, sometimes it just can't be helped. Talking about it makes me feel better, even if I only have the balls to talk about it to my blog. I guess that's what these things are for, right?

Sometimes I think that all of my good fortune was used up in my husband... because yes, he really is that great. And maybe that's all that I get. I won't complain, because I know how lucky I am for that, and I wouldn't trade him for anything though. It's weird that my brain thinks this way, isn't it?

Tomorrow will be better and I will go back to dealing with my feelings like a somewhat sane and rational person, but for today this is how it is. That phone call really messed with my head, but I am grateful that it pushed me to explore my true feelings and to deal with them today. In my state of stupor I know that I probably have not explained some things right and that this post will probably truly only make sense to me, but that's okay; it's what I needed. I am ready for tomorrow though.... yes so very ready to think rationally and gratefully and blissfully {meanwhile pinning to my babies board on pinterest, what?}. I leave you with my favorite quote Yes, found on an infertility message board, what have you?!

"I might have to wait. I'll never give up. I guess it's half timing, & the other half's luck.
Wherever you are, whenever it's right, you'll come out of nowhere & into my life."

ready for tomorrow...



Rachel W said...

Bravo for putting it out there Chelsea. You're so amazingly strong. You and Brian are going to be the best damn parents someday, I can feel it in my bones. I hope the rest of your IF journey is short. Talking about it helps all those other girls out there no they're not alone, so you my friend are amazing for that.

leah @maritalbless said...

Chelsea, I'm so glad that you wrote this all out. I still remember the email that you wrote, probably 3 years ago now at least, that you were trying. It's haunted me to tell you the truth and I've tried to convince myself that with your job changes the lack of baby announcement was only due to poor timing.

You have an amazing heart and soul. I'll be praying for you my dear and hoping with all my being that you are able to find the support that you need.

Kari said...

I'm so sorry and I totally understand. We have a 5 month old thanks to IVF. It was a long hard road. We still have debt due to it but I will say it was 100% worth it. If there's any way to come up with the 10,000 or so you need, even though it goes against all of my CPA instincts, do it. You won't regret it and the fog you've been in (and I was in) goes away instantly. ((hugs)) feel free to email me.

Beth said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this, Chelsea. Thank you for sharing though, because it does make others (including myself) going through this feel less alone. We have been trying for a year and a half now, and just finished our first (and unsuccessful) IUI cycle. Infertility is hard and painful and it's easy to want to throw in the towel, but I pray that this experience will only make our future child(ren) more precious.

I'm praying for you and Brian, that you have peace and comfort in God's timing. There are many things unsure with infertility, but one thing we can be sure of is that He has a plan.