Friday, December 5, 2008

So yeah.... this is really long. You have been warned.

I’m beginning to wonder if I am in a funk or if what I am feeling is just normal. Up until this “funk” started I have always been 110% sure of my choices and my life and more than 110% happy. I loved everything about my life and knew how lucky I was. I hate to say that in past tense, because deep down I still know this- I know that I am happy and that I am truly blessed, but I just can’t seem to shake this depression that is hitting me. I can finally admit that is what it is. What is really frustrating me is that I have no reason for it. No really traumatic events, nothing bad in my life, nothing. I should be utterly happy like I always was before. I just can't figure out why...

This is really the first time that my life is kind of at a standstill. When I was in college I had so much going on in my life that was constantly spinning around me. I had classes and school functions, I was the newspapers’ editor in chief, I was editor of the school magazine, my peers looked up to me and respected me and asked me for help all of the time, I was planning a wedding, we were house hunting and putting in offers, I was working 30 hours a week….. that was my life for so long. Always something happening; hardly ever a moment to spare. I always looked forward to the end- when all of my efforts would finally pay off and I would have time to myself; to do whatever I wanted. So here I am. I’ve officially entered the “adult” world where I can do just that. I’m a college graduate. I’m a wife. I’m a homeowner. I have a full-time career. I have everything that I was aiming for all that time. So why on earth should I be unhappy?

What’s even more frustrating is that I want to be happy, I know that deep down I am happy, but my subconscious just won’t have it. For some reason it’s wallowing; and pissing me off in the process. I should start by saying that my job is a wonderful one and I am extremely lucky. I am treated so well here; I keep very busy; there is always something to do and someone that wants my opinion. Yet it is extremely flexible and easy-going. I work with great people and I make good money. I have no reason not to like my job, and truly I do like it. But I just can’t shake the feeling that what I do doesn’t matter. What am I doing on a daily basis to contribute to the world? What is the world gaining because of me? I know that not everyone can expect their job to give them this satisfaction, and that is probably where I am wrong here. I shouldn’t expect that from my job. And I guess what I am starting to learn is that if I feel that I’m not contributing from my job, then I need to do so in other ways; more creative ways.

I’ve been thinking about it a lot. People say that you “find yourself” in college. Looking back now I see that I truly did just that. In addition to making lifelong friends and obtaining a lifelong degree, I found my true self. No peer pressure to be something I wasn’t like in high school, I was just me. I liked what I liked, and my friends like me for that. I discovered my love for writing. I indulged in my passion for photography. I explored so many new realms of music. I did so many things that the old me wouldn’t have dreamed of. I was truly free to be myself and I basked in it. What I didn’t realize until recently, is what happened after I “found myself.” College graduation came and went. Then we had the wedding and life was completely blissed out. We got settled into the house. Brought home our pride and joy, Guinness. Spent endless days and nights with our truest of friends- taking in everything we possibly could. But somewhere along the line… I stopped doing the things that I loved. Yes I still take photos occasionally and I definitely still listen to a lot of music. But I don’t write anymore {except this blog of course} and I don’t really take photos like I used to {drunken bar photos don’t really count}. Did you know that I used to be able to play guitar? Me! I’m not saying I was a pro by any means, but I enjoyed it. The last time I ever played was nine years ago. Wow.

Anyway, I guess my epiphany here is that this is the first time, literally ever, in my life that it has stood still. There is nothing in the works. Nothing that we’re planning. Nothing that I’m working on. I can’t be sure if this is where my emotions lately have been stemming from, but it’s the best I can come up with and I think that means something. SO now, what am I going to do about it?

Getting our new camera will help I’m sure. I have wanted a digital SLR ever since they came into existence and I am elated that we could finally get one of our own. My passion for photography is a love affair that started when I was only 10 years old and discovered my dad’s vintage Canon AE-1. I still have it. I took the photography class that my high school offered three times because I couldn’t believe I could get credits for it. I continued in college- taking photos for the newspaper & magazine, taking photography classes & Photoshop. Photography has always been close to my heart, so it won’t be hard for me to make this a more dominant part of my life again.

Writing. It might sound silly, but just writing in this blog is very enjoyable for me. I have always been a writer, but I really discovered my love for it in college. My good friend Katie has been trying to convince me for years now to write a book about the lives of our close group of friends from college and where we have all gone in our lives and how we still remain so close. I have no doubt that there is plenty to write about there Kate- unfortunately my memory is not the best and I’m sure I couldn’t get it right. I guess it couldn’t hurt to try though. No matter what form of writing it is- I know that I need to pick this up again because it makes me, me. I keep a notepad and pen on my nightstand because I always have the weirdest dreams. I swear it’s not uncommon for Brian to wake up in the night and find me awake in the corner with the light on scribbling away…. but that’s all I ever do. I never actually do anything with them after that. So maybe there is something there too.

And finally, music. Music has never strayed too far from my heart- I am constantly listening to music. I am serious. Constantly. At work on my computer. At home on the stereo. In my car. And everywhere in between on my ipod. I am never without it and music is the true inspiration in my life. However, I used to play, which I don't anymore. Just guitar and I’m sure not very well considering I was a teenager, but I did enjoy it and that is important. I have been telling Brian for years that I want to get an acoustic guitar to just pick it up when I want. If my memory can suffice I’m sure I could teach myself to learn it again. And Brian even wants to learn to play too! This is definitely something that we will be investing in, in the near future.

So long story short, I think I'm finally on the path to figuring it out. Just talking about things lately with Brian and my friends has made me feel a million times better already. I’m lucky to have such people in my life to rely on. I was a fool to think that no one would notice how off I have been lately. I should have confided in them a long time ago because just talking about things makes me feel better.

Anyway, I'm not even sure if I should even post this. It's basically just the ramblings of my brain and is no doubt scattered and incoherent. But that's me I guess. So, to anyone else out there who has strayed away from their passions-- why? Why do we do this to ourselves? I didn't even realize I was doing it! My life was just busy and that was that. Well, no more for this girl. Life is too short not to do the things I want. And no one ever told me I couldn't in the first place? What the hell was my subconscious thinking??

I can't even tell you how much better I'm feeling. More like myself. I was so completely frustrated that I was sad all the time and I couldn't figure out why?! I'm finally beginning to feel like me again, and me with a purpose.

{where words fail, music speaks. be seeing you. canon. forgotten guitar.}

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leah @maritalbless said...

Those are definitely some revelations. I'm so glad that you were able to reflect and come to these conclusions!

Adinda said...

I am a long time lurker/reader of your blog and let me say that I know exactly how you are feeling right now because I am right there too. Everything from my job down is driving me crazy and making me question everything that I have ever aspired to do in life and why am I where I am at right now. It's so frusterating but I too have been talking it out on my blog, to my family, my friends, my husband and things are starting to come together little piece by little piece. It's still so frusterating to have these feelings and I will be so glad when I finally figure everything out too. Until that point, I just want to tell you Thank you for posting your feelings! It makes me feel like I am not the only one out in the wilderness trying to figure this stuff out. And thank you for being such a good writer that you are. I love reading your blog. Have a good weekend!

Kristin said...

I'm glad you're feeling better!

If you're ever getting that weird depression feeling again, but have no reason why, think about getting your thyroid checked. Thyroid diseases are the #1 cause of depression, I would know! I discovered 2 years ago that I had a thyroid disease and that explained my weight gain, depression, and a few other fun side effects.

Ooh, and listen the Twilight soundtrack. That always makes me smile/think of Hottie McRob Pattinson. ;-)

Abby said...

I know exactly how you are feelings and I'm so glad you have the support system you have! I think God gives us challenges to have a us take a step back and take a hard look at life to then in the end realize how truly blessed we are! Not to discount your feelings because I have had those before, particularly after we got married and were "settled." I then started to be thankful for the little things and look to those little things to make my general mood a little better each day. I've now come to the place in life where just having a lunch with my mom is the highlight of my day and I couldn't be happier with that. You are a wonderful,caring, loving person, you deserve the world and it will come! Thank you for being so honest and posting your feelings! Have a wonderful weekend and I know this comment may not make sense and I apologize, it's just my ramblings!!!

N. said...

What a beautiful post, to listen to you figure it all out as you went.
I think a lot of people go through this. I actually kind of just did. It's a difficult place to find yourself, after going, going, going for so long as kids and young adults, then all of a sudden you're there: house, job, husband, repeat. But I think you've got it figured out. We just can't go through the motions, we have to put effort into getting out there and making life what we want it to be. And it sounds like that's what you're ready to do.

Joi said...

Chelsea, you're very brave to put it all out there, and as usual you're writing is so eloquent!

I hope everything starts getting better and you make time for your passions.

It's hard when you're used to one world and then everything stops.

We're here for you to vent : )

Maria said...

I just wanted to tell you that this was such a great post and I'm glad you published it. Like N. said, I think a lot of people do go through this.

Chelsea said...

WOW. I just want to thank each and every one of you. Your support is overwhelming and I appreciate it more than you know. It makes me feel so much better to know that I am not the only one who feels like this.

You are all so amazing.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. :)

*Sam* said...

It's amazing how writing something can make you see what is truly going on.
Glad you figured it out!