something to say.

my mind is wandering, as it does. i've been working hard to keep it in check because it's easy to get ahead of myself. but still, it wanders.

i've been facing the realization lately that my best friend, my guinness, will probably not be around when and if we are ever blessed with a child. and this realization is crushing. it is a dream dying. my dream, dying. i have looked forward to this most of all. i imagine it in my mind all of the time... G cuddled up on my big, pregnant belly. G watching over a sleeping newborn. G sitting at my feet while i rock the baby to sleep. G laying on the ground while he is poked and prodded with toddler fingers.

i will miss all of the things that he never gets to do, as much as i will his quirky habits we love so dearly.

i will always dream of this, no matter what the future brings for us.

my dream of my friend and my baby.

{g with our nephew kellan}

.........

G update: we received the results of G's surgery yesterday and learned that he has a mixture of both B and T cell strands of lymphoma. while the B cell is more prominent, the T cell is present as well, which makes things more complicated. on top of which, we also learned that medication G's vet has has had him on for several months will dull the affects of chemotherapy in the future. all very confusing and frustrating... monday was a tough day. but we have gone as far as we can with our local vet (with the exception of making him comfortable for the rest of his short life) and were referred to a specialty animal hospital in a nearby bigger city. they are a nationally ranked veternarian hospital/teaching school, so we are very much looking forward to meeting with some oncology specialists who can (hopefully) give us more answers. G's first appointment is later this week where we will hopefully find out more about his prognosis and what we can do for him as far as treatment. we are not giving up yet. we will do anything to help our tough little guy and give him more time with us. even if it's just a little bit. but we are very insistent that does not suffer either. so, we have a lot of questions for our visit this week.

possibly the hardest part of this so far, is that with the exception of his very swollen glands, he is acting completely normal. still playful, still hungry for everything, still lazy, still happy. still our boy even though we look at him and know how sick he is.

while i haven't been handling any of this very well.. honestly, more like a toddler than an adult, i am looking forward to this appointment in hopes that we can finally get some answers and have a plan for him. i just want to know that we are doing something besides just waiting. so much waiting.

again, thank you all so very much for the kindness you have extended to us. words cannot describe the support we have felt and we thank you so very much.

.........

i learned long ago to be happy with what you have; what you are blessed with. not to wait around for something to happen or to have something in order to be happy. i'm not so naive to say that i feel this way every single day, because i don't, but for the most part, i know this and i practice this and i am happy.

this doesn't mean that i don't strive for things, or that you shouldn't. i will always strive to be a mother. always. but it means, to me, to be happy with what you have, no matter what you don't have. a grateful heart. to consider yourself lucky for all that you already have. to be happy with that as often as possible. so that if you die tomorrow, you die happy and grateful.

you lived your life and you were happy.

and i am happy. these past five years of my life with my husband and my dog have been the best of my life. even with the struggling and the striving.... still, happy.

as we embark on this next part of our journey, i want to remember this and to keep the good from each day because we will never again have the chance. i will carry that with me.

somuchlovechelsea