Sunday, January 6, 2013

this week has been hard. the hardest. unfortunately it is all too easy to lose myself in the madness and wallow in it. i have been in a constant battle with myself to keep moving past it all. life, i suppose. 

today i am trying to be hopeful again. because losing your hope is cruel and all too easy. 


this week our beloved G will undergo another surgery.. this time to remove one of his swollen glands to test for lymphoma. i remain hopeful that the underlying problem are his allergies, and that this is just a hurdle we have to get through before moving forward with another treatment, but it is hard to shake the weight of this week. my poor baby going under for surgery again. the fact that he could potentially have 2-3 weeks left to live if the results are not in our favor. and the fact that we have two days to come up with the money needed to cover the surgery as we just learned about this on saturday. it is very emotional and very draining and very worrisome and i just want to know that he is going to be okay.

unfortunately, when things go south they tend to do so in groups. these past few months have been a very trying time for us in our TTC journey, which came to a head late last week. i have never dealt with a situation so full of hope and so full of disappointment too. two absolute extremes that sneak up on you within minutes of each other. from one day to the next things change and they evolve and you are just expected to go along with it. when your emotions have you crumpled into a ball of feelings... you have to keep going. because if you don't you are giving up.

don't give up.

it's an easy concept. it's just not easy to do.

with this week, we have a lot of challenges to face and a lot of emotions to deal with and a lot of hope to maintain. i pray that we will continue to rely on each other and move forward as best as we possibly can.

if you would be so kind, please pray for my little mr. he is the light of my life and i absolutely cannot bear the thought of losing him yet.


burn slow, burning up the back wall
long roads, where the city meets the sky
most days, most days stay the sole same
please stay, for this fear it will not die
if i had a boat, i would sail to you
hold you in my arms, ask you to be true
once i had a dream, it died long before
now i’m pointed north, hoping for the shore
down low, down amongst the thorn rows
weeds grow, through the lillies and the vine
birds play, try to find their own way
soft clay, on your feet and under mine

heaving at the bracebreaking at the seams
sheets all billowing
the breaking of the day
sea is not my friend
seasons they conspire
still i choose to swim
slip beneath the tide

once i had a dream
once i had a hope 
that was yesterday
not so long ago
this is not the end
this is just the world
such a foolish thing
such an honest girl