it’s strange being here. where i never dreamed i would be when i met you. but here i am… hopefully where i am meant to be. as an avid planner, list-maker, organizer (to a fault) i have had my life mapped out before me since adolescence. especially since i had already met my guy, i knew exactly what i wanted and i have never wavered from that. but growing older has forced me to realize that while i should always chase after my dreams, i should also be open to the possibility of more. and that can be a beautiful thing, and also a really terrifying thing. a thing i might hate. as easy as it would be to give in and wear bitterness on my sleeve because my plan went awry, there is too much beauty in the world to do that. i have to trust in the bigger plan for me; that He is taking me where i need to go. it is so hard. when you don’t know why. so many why’s. i have learned a lot about myself and my husband and my marriage lately, and maybe that is what was supposed to happen. maybe that was the bigger plan all along? to learn those things and understand them in order to continue on my path. i don’t know why.. and i don’t have to like it, but i am learning to trust in it and some days that struggle fills my day. especially on days when i am turning 28 and my plan is so far out of my reach.
maybe there is much more for me to learn at 28. maybe there isn’t. either way, i have to accept that this is where i am and that this is my life. i will not spend my life wishing away moments for something better. what if this is the best and i don’t know it yet? what if i am too busy daydreaming of perfect smiles from a little one that is mine and i miss a sun setting right before my eyes? can i learn to do both at the same time? i don’t want to miss it.
maybe there is much more for me to learn at 28. maybe there isn’t. either way, i have to accept that this is where i am and that this is my life. i will not spend my life wishing away moments for something better. what if this is the best and i don’t know it yet? what if i am too busy daydreaming of perfect smiles from a little one that is mine and i miss a sun setting right before my eyes? can i learn to do both at the same time? i don’t want to miss it.
my plan is gone. long washed away by the reality of life and i am clinging to the hope that is dangling in front of me for dear life.
sincerely,
this hopeful albeit terrified 28 year old.
ps. coincidentally enough, or not, this was my bible verse for the day:
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“Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don’t be afraid.” –Fredrick Buechner
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