time is such a funny thing.
this weekend was hard, and also great. saturday was one of the worst days ever. i don't know why... i was just 'growly' as brian calls it. nothing would go right. i felt utterly alone. i felt like no one in the world understood me. i felt so sad that all i could do was cry. either cry, or act like a complete nut. apparently, those are my only two coping methods... pretending to be normal is no where on that short list. i was miserable and inconsolable. and i had no good reason. just a combination of things... my feelings could not be suppressed. the day drug on and continued to spiral out of control. i pulled myself together because we had plans to go out for dinner and drinks with friends to celebrate my birthday. the first time we have hung out with any of our friends since january. it was long overdue, i only wished i hadn't spent the day so miserable inside of my own head. but it ended up to be blessing. seeing our friends helped me to feel like myself again. and feeling the love from people who genuinely care about us (and me), on a day when i was hating myself almost constantly, was welcome and needed.
i woke up on sunday feeling refreshed (and a little headachey from the numerous glasses of wine). but it was a moment of clarity for me. i'm learning to live with the new me. i am not the same person anymore, for a lot of reasons. but as long as i can keep working to make sure that i am a person that i am proud of and to do all things with love and to love myself, i will be okay.