Thursday, July 22, 2010

Lately, I haven't been writing as much. On the blog especially, but anywhere for that matter. I've just come to realize that I have been making lists and bullets or even just photo posts. Which are great and fun, and very much me, don't get me wrong. But I feel like I am seriously just fooling myself...

I've been going through so much lately and honestly believe that I am just tricking myself by not just putting pen to paper and letting the thought process flow.... by being brutally honest.

Don't mean to scare anyone- there is nothing major going on. Just sort of a culmination of everything lately... still no job, which is getting harder & harder. Loans that were on deferment or forbearance are starting to run out... and still, no job. It's very discouraging and frightening. And of course this issue, just comes barreling down affecting everything else in life.

We aren't where we always thought we would be at this point in our lives. Not that that is a bad thing, it's just different. It's an adjustment. And it's not really something that I can just set and be fine with, it's a decision that I have to make everyday. To be happy with where I'm at.

As depressing as that sounds, I know that I am blessed. I truly believe that I have the best husband of anyone, anywhere. I hope everyone is lucky enough to feel like this. To be this in love. I have amazing friends and family... I feel like everyone says this, but I can't even tell you how true it is in my case. We are all happy and healthy and that is enough. That is all I need or will ever need. I wish I could just stop my brain there, you know? But it doesn't. Does it for anyone??

With that said, It really hurts me that I am such a planner in every aspect of life. I have always known exactly what I wanted, went for it, did it, and moved on to the next. But lately, for the past couple of years- I have not had that. The things that I wanted next didn't happen, and I've sort of been stuck in this lull. But then I think, I'm 25... I'm so young, I have my entire life for these other things like careers, children, travel, cars to call my own, savings accounts. I should just be grateful for what I do have. So a couple days go by, and then I'm back to the lull stage. It's a constant battle. A battle between being blissfully unaware and in denial that my plan isn't a plan anymore and knowing what I am missing and being genuinely happy and grateful. Does any of this even make sense?

And then sometimes I think of the good things that have come out of this lull, so to speak. This time in my life when things just stopped moving, and I learned new things about myself. I love to write and read. I love to photograph anything & everything and have the satisfaction of selling something I took. I love to party and try new things. I love to spend entire days in the sun. I love to plant flowers and grow vegetables. I love to paint and change the entire feel of a room. I love to sit at the coffee shop for hours with a good book. I love a good thrift find & making it something beautiful again. I love to cook and have friends over for dinner. I always knew that I loved these things... but I never had the time, no I never took the time to entertain them. So maybe this was the plan for me all along? Maybe I needed this time to myself to figure things out before I am ready for the next stages in life... maybe the universe knew this before I did.

So again, I am grateful. I am grateful to have had the time to figure these things out and to enjoy myself and my company. If my plan would have gone as I planned, I wouldn't have had this. Yet I still wake up, wondering when the rest of my life is going to start. Wondering when I find a job that suits me.... of which I have absolutely no idea what that will be. When will I be a mother? When will I get the rest of the plan? And maybe I never will... and maybe that is how my life is suppose to be.

I guess this entire ramble is just really me coming to terms with the fact that I can't plan my life. I can have wants and try to attain them... but really, it's not even up to me. It just is. I don't want to spend my days wishing them away, waiting for the future. Everyday is part of my life and my path and I want to enjoy all of it. And I am. I am glad that my life went off course, because otherwise how much of a life would that be? Always knowing what's going to happen next? BORING. My life is full of excitement and love. And while I'll never stop wanting things for myself and our family.. I am no longer considering this lull as just that, a lull. It's not a lull. It's my LIFE. It might not be the course that I would have chosen for myself, but it's been a good detour so far. I'm sure that life will throw me more curve balls in time, and I really hope that I will be more prepared for them next time... and not see them as that, but only as an adventure. A new experience. Another chapter in the book.

So I hope this post wasn't too corny or arrogant or flat-out annoying. But I had to do it for myself. I'm being honest with myself and with everyone. And it feels good. Here's to life's unexpected turns- whether good or bad- and making them good for yourself. There is some good that can be taken from any situation. (And I have to say that I honestly wasn't planning on writing this as an inspiring post... I was actually kind of depressed. It just turned out to be that. How about that?)

I truly believe that I wouldn't feel this good about things if it weren't for the amazing people in my life. So a quick thank you to everyone who has been there for me in any way, shape or form. You have all impacted me so much and I am grateful.

I'd love to hear your thoughts if you've been here or even if you haven't. I hope that you take something away from this as I have.

I have the above print hanging in my house & it's a great... I think everyone should.

Thanks for listening-
xo Chelsea


Kristy said...

I love this post. Great job getting it off your chest... it won't leave your mind until you write it out. My heart is with you! <3

leah @maritalbless said...

I've felt this oppressive weight from you for so long and am so glad that you finally did get this all out!

I've thought of you and B often, wondering so many thoughts. Where you're at is okay, so long as you realize it's okay. I understand the lull. I also feel stuck. Just a different stuck, with different playing pieces and a different board.

You're so beautiful inside and out, keep living in the moment.

Chelsea said...

I think it's important to get things like this off your chest. Try not to get too discouraged job searching! I know it's awful --- I have been searching for a few months myself! It seems like nothing good is available, but I think it's important to believe that the right job will come around eventually.

Anonymous said...

i can understand how you feel ... looking for a job you're not really sure you want but know you want the stability & the income ... all of those ideas you had of yourself and your life have to change. we moved out west for me to go to grad school but it's been a period of struggle and self discovery, too. things aren't as black and white as i sometimes wish they were. i'm sure things will work out & you'll make the best decisions for you guys as a family.

Rhianne said...

I really hope this post helped love, its difficult to accept sometimes that life isn't going how you expected - I think 25 seems to be the age for it as well as I was so upset earlier this year that I hadn't done any of the things that I thought I would have done by now (have a great job and a puppy...) but there are loads of things that I have done that I never expected I would have (started a blog, moved to leeds) and its about finding the balance of what you thought you wanted from your life and knowing what you truly want.

Keep at it with the job search, its tough out there at the moment but something will come your way.