i’m not sure where i’m going with this post, but i guess i’ll figure it out as i go. that’s what i really love about blogging.. truly blogging for yourself and getting your thoughts out. oftentimes, i don’t necessarily realize what i've uncovered until after i hit ‘publish’ and later reread what i wrote.
right now, we are in a tough place. and also a truly wonderful and miraculous place. and it is confusing. overwhelmed is seemingly the only way to come close to describing my feelings. so many things are weighing on my mind and taking up room in my head until there isn’t any space left. my emotions and hormones are completely out of whack and trying to keep up with everything doesn’t give me much of a chance to reign them in. on top of the fact that i can barely sleep these days; it isn’t pretty. i don’t intend for this to sound like a pity party, it’s not. i am arguably writing this during the best time of my life, but it doesn’t take away from the fact that everything is cloudy with life. endless doctor appointments. weekly vet appointments, which involve 3 hours of drive time. managing work schedules to allow for all of these appointments, but still getting in overtime hours because i am swamped. trying to pay for all of these appointments. brian working extra shifts and odd jobs trying to save money for my maternity leave (because it is unpaid). which oftentimes leaves me alone at night while he works, praying that nothing will happen to guinness while i am with him alone. and that it doesn’t make my husband exhausted while driving during his day job. and worrying that he will miss too much of the pregnancy because he is working so hard to support us. trying to find time to get the nursery ready, something that i always dreamed we would have finished long before this point in the pregnancy. baby planning and yet wanting to spend every moment with guinness during the last of his life. it's a lot sloshing around up there.
we are just in a moment right now, where things are starting to topple over and overflow and break down and keeping up with all of it is so tiring and emotionally draining. ideally, all i would like to do is be at home with my husband by my side.. growing and talking to our sweet baby and cuddling with guinness every last chance that we get. but life doesn’t let you do that all of the time.. you have to suck it up and keep going because it is worth it, and i know that. but lately i have been needing that reminder more than i care to admit. i know that things will get better and we are working every day to ensure that they do. then i’m left mad at myself for wasting any moment of this magical time in my life being anything other than completely-over-the-moon happy and grateful. even though i do feel that all of the time on some level, it just isn’t realistic to feel that and nothing that for 9 months of pregnancy. it just isn’t. but i don’t want to look back later in life and realize that i didn’t enjoy this pregnancy enough. or that i didn’t enjoy my last moments with G enough because i was too busy stressed and crying and emotional.
i feel the baby kick and it makes me happier than i could possibly describe. and then i look at G’s face and i feel overwhelming sadness that crushes me. "the confusion sets in."
i am constantly reminding myself to enjoy every moment and i pray to find a better balance of this gratefulness and allowing myself to be sad.
brian keeps reminding me that i am growing a human after all and i’m allowed to feel all of these things. in those moments it’s easy to feel safe in his words.
thankfully, today has brought some clarity and i hope that it stays. i am so grateful for this little one that i'm growing. a tiny human that will be half me and half brian.. an absolute dream come true. i'm grateful for guinness' cuddles and kisses and comfort. i'm grateful for the wonderful man in my life who would do anything to take care of this little family of ours. honestly, i'm grateful for the friday night lights reruns on my tv right now, while brian is touching up paint in the nursery. and i'm grateful for the bag of brach's candy corn that i am about to devour. there is so much to cherish and the rest will fall into place, somehow.
i guess this is just my reminder to myself that it is okay to feel all of the things that i am feeling. but that i simply need to take a breath and keep going. we all have these times and we get through them because that’s just what you do.