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right now i am losing my baby.

2/16/13

this is the hardest post that i have ever had to write. as i sit here writing this, i am losing my baby.

we had a baby. a tiny baby growing inside of me that filled us with joy and love.

after trying to get pregnant for nearly five years, we woke up one morning to two pink lines. two. not one... two. i was pregnant. for the first time in my life. the everything that we have wanted for so long was here. it was the happiest moment of my life.

i hadn't been pregnant for very long when we learned that i was having a miscarriage.  i was exactly 6 weeks pregnant on valentine's day and we started to lose the baby that morning. what started out as spotting, led to cramping, which led to an ultrasound with the doctor, which led to this. our baby wasn't there anymore. we sat there together and stared as my uterus filled the big screen and it was empty. by the time we got home, the miscarriage had started.

we laid and wept together.

this is the most confusing and devastating thing that we have ever faced. i don't think there is a right way to do this.... what is the right way to say goodbye to your baby that you never had a chance to meet? someone that you already loved so much you could burst, but to never get to hold them or see their face. it's confusing and it's horrible and i don't feel like myself anymore. i do not know how to move forward anymore. i do not know why this is the plan for our life. why are these things that we need to go through? i do not understand it. how do i trust in it?

struggling for a baby for so long was the hardest thing i thought we would ever face. but i was wrong. getting what we have always wanted only for it to be taken away from us.... it is crushing.

i wrote this below entry on the day we found out that we were pregnant. i saved it here to post when we reached the second trimester and began to share our news, but now i am posting it so that i don't forget how it felt. because i want to be able to feel this again. and right now, it seems impossible to even try....
...........................


today my life changes forever.

i started off happily asleep in my bed. when my alarm went off, i had already forgotten about the pregnancy test that i left sitting out on the bathroom counter the night before (to remind me to test in the morning). this had become such a routine for us. countless, and i do mean countless, tests i have groggily peed on in my still hazy state. here i am, still in bed.. still hitting snooze on my alarm... but i finally get out of bed slowly and meander into the bathroom. the test welcomes me and i am reminded of my mornings fate. another failed pregnancy test... another disappointed huff as i toss it into the trash can. i didn't even think about it and set the test on the counter as i proceeded to get ready for my long work day. a few minutes went by and i inevitably checked it and wait..... what is that..... is that.... a line??!!!?!?!? no. it couldn't be. but wait.... i swear there is a little tiny bit of pink there. a very faint pink line. where i have never, ever seen a pink line before. anyone who has ttc for any significant amount of time knows about the dollar tree pregnancy tests. they are what they claim to be, one dollar and work just as good as the next non-digital pregnancy test. in this moment, i had successfully read hundreds of negative dollar tree tests... not. even. kidding. and never, had i ever seen this faint pink line. but again... so faint. was it even really there? take iphone photo and zoom in real close... it's there. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN?!?! my mind shouted at me. i calmly walked into the bedroom and sat on the bed where my boys were sound asleep. i woke brian up saying "bub, i need you to come look at something". this did virtually nothing, because in his defense i could have easily been asking him to come look at a bug that needed squashing. i tried again... "i think there is a faint line". obviously, he knew exactly what i was speaking of and we made eye contact. i don't even remember if he said anything, but he got out of bed and very groggily bumped into things on his way to the bathroom. took him a few minutes to adjust his eyes and he agreed... a line. a faint pink line! "test again".

alrighty..... (opening the fully stocked drawer of tests) i peed on another stick. same kind of test, same faint pink line. almost identical to the first. "okay!" brian said. "now i'm freaking out". i was still in shock.... willing myself not to believe it. was i going to let this test that costs one dollar determine the rest of my life? unfortunately, we had no digital tests on hand this day. ZERO. in addition to the dollar tests, we always have digital tests for this very reason. am i crazy, please just tell me... Pregnant or Not Pregnant? (that Not Pregnant is a little bitch). coincidentally, i had carelessly used up all of our digitals the week before because peeing on a stick is addicting, okay?

brian left to go to the 24 hour drugstore for some digitals, while i kept getting ready for work. afterall, it was only about 5:30am at this point. i got ready, he returned, i peed on another stick.

we're both in the bathroom, pretending to get ready and bumping into each other, and watching a fricking hourglass blink blink blink at us. blink    blink    blink


Pregnant.

it said PREGNANT. i don't remember what i did in this moment, but i remember brian... eyes shot open, jaw dropped, hands in the air, staring at me. 



now it's okay to freak out, right? this is REAL?!?!?! right now i am writing this post, 5:32pm at night, and still had to go check the picture on my phone of the test to make sure. yes, real. nope, not dreaming. you are indeed awake and alive and pregnant.

i think we are both still a little in shock. after trying for something for so long... for years and years and years of your life and always getting the same result. no matter what you tell yourself and no matter that you keep on trying... that little seed of disappointment plants itself there. that little inkling in the back of your mind that tells you.. "this is never going to happen for you". and it has to be there... because it is protecting you. but going into this morning, i never in a million years dreamed that test would tell me i was pregnant. nevermind the fact that i was taking prescribed ovulation medicine this month, or that we used ovulation predictor kits again, or that we did everything right. i still never dreamed this would be.

but it is. this is our journey and this is where everything has led us and i cannot believe it is real! i have never in my life been so happy, but so in shock of my own happiness that i can't even feel it. i can't wait to feel it.

..............................


two days later the doctor confirmed our pregnancy and we were sent off with books, pamphlets, appointments scheduled for the next several months and a lot of "congratulations". never happier in our lives, we dropped G off for his chemo that day in madison (something that we have become quite good at) and went straight to target for baby books and of course a few baby purchases. i have shopped for so many babies in the past few years always longing to be shopping for my own. for the first time in my life, i could shop for MY OWN BABY. we got a shirt and a hat and a tiny pair of shoes. trying not to go too overboard, because we knew how early this was... we bought what to expect when you're expecting and read it the whole car ride home. and we bought a nine month pregnancy journal. we cried the whole day in happiness.

two days after this, we told my parents and sisters. up until this point we hadn't told a soul, and didn't plan on telling anyone other than our immediate families until we were further along. we made a shirt for G that said "Big Brother" on the back and took in the shock and awe on their faces when they saw him. it was so surreal and so amazing and i never want to forget how that felt either. we planned to tell brian's family the next day, but that night when we got home, i had some light spotting. i called the doctor and he said that it can be very normal and not to worry for now, but to take it easy. so we spent all day sunday in bed and i only got up to pee (which any pregnant woman knows can be an awful lot). we rested and all was well, no more spotting, everything was normal. but it was a very scary day. we even took another pregnancy test because seeing them say PREGNANT was so, so fun.

things continued as normal from there and we were just basking in the pregnancy symptoms. don't get me wrong, they are not fun. but for me, they were a constant reminder that i was carrying a baby inside of me and i was more than happy to welcome them. our baby had a lot of nicknames in her short life.. we called her baby bean, little bub, and affectionately bean sprout. we dusted off an old box from our basement that we had purchased in 2008 (still had the packing slip on it). it was a bassinet that we purchased out of excitement when we had first starting trying. we brought it upstairs and put it together because we just had to do something with all of our excitement.... now i'm sitting here staring at an empty bassinet and wondering why.

on thursday, valentine's day, everything changed. the spotting started again and we were hopeful that it would be like last time, and wouldn't mean anything, that it would be "normal" for me. but it wasn't. the day progressed... things got worse... the ultrasound confirmed our worst fears. all of the praying and tears and hopes and desperation had led us to this moment. and it was the worst moment of my life.



the follow-up bloodwork and my symptoms worsening have only confirmed what the ultrasound did, i am having a miscarriage. not only is the emotional pain unbearable, but the physical pain is too. it is impossible to escape to somewhere else when you are constantly reminded of what is happening inside your body with pain. i feel like i am carrying death inside of me and i just want this to be over.

it is hard not to feel like i did something wrong. in my heart, i know that i didn't. but i feel like the biggest failure. even though this is so common, i am one in four. one in four. i just feel so discouraged and wonder what i could have done differently. i traded my coca-cola for juice and the occasional sprite, i ate a plate full of veggies and fruits at least once a day, i even made sure not to lean over the bathroom sink too far in order to see into the mirror. who thinks of these things?!?!? yes, i do. when we first found out i was pregnant.. i was scared to drive, i was scared to walk, i was scared to move for fear of this very thing. eventually, i learned that these worries would do nothing but harm the baby and then my attitude changed completely. i was even proud of how capable i was of controlling my anxieties because it was best for the baby. i know there is nothing that i could have changed and this was just God's plan. but i still think about it.

on friday, i went back to the hospital for an injection. because of my blood type, if the baby's blood mixed with my blood, it can cause some problems for future pregnancies.

now i'm sitting here, completely dry of tears, and still losing my baby.

our baby was due on october 10th. we talked about how perfect that would be... i had always imagined being really pregnant in the fall. wearing big sweaters and enjoying the crisp air. showing off our beautiful two month old to family at christmas. that's all gone now.

we both felt in our hearts that this baby was a girl. which is strange considering we have had a boy name picked out for forever... but somehow, we just felt like she was a her. we decided to name her rosie. we will always remember our sweet, sweet rosie and the love that she brought to us in such a short amount of time. she has changed our lives forever. we will never, ever forget her. i imagine her now with my grandma in heaven and i know that she will take care of her.

i don't know why God has planned this for us. my prayers were not asking for this. i am beginning to learn now that i prayed for the wrong things. i prayed for him to take care of us and our baby. i prayed for him to help turn my anxieites to joy. i prayed to keep our baby safe. i should have been praying for trust in his plan. right now that is what i need the most.


i don't know how we will move forward or how we will keep trying. because it seems impossible. but i pray that we will. we will never give up on the one thing we want more than anything.

writing my feelings out has really helped me. i am anxious to hit publish, because i can feel the relief from it already. my mind is jumbled and confused and i am sure that it comes across that way. i thank God for my husband every day.. i thought that my marriage was already as strong as possible, but i was wrong. i never could have imagined the level that this would bring us to and for that i am grateful.

we will love our baby girl forever. please pray for our rosie.

chelsea


"i guess love just wasn't enough for us to survive.
i swear i swear i swear i tried.
you took the life right out of me.
i'm so unlucky i can't breathe.
you took the life right out of me.
i'm longing for your heartbeat, heartbeat."
-beyonce

5 comments:

Beth said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. Unfortunately I feel your pain, we have also been trying to get pregnant for a few years and suffered two miscarriages in a row last year. It is heartbreaking and the statistics are little comfort, because you feel so alone going through it. I prayed for peace and comfort and hope, and God was good, but oh how it hurts. I am not sure if this link will work, but this print brought me so much comfort to know our babies are in Heaven and we will meet them someday. http://www.emilyburgerdesigns.com/for-the-home.html#PhotoSwipe1361033153910

Joi said...

Chelsea-- I am devastated for you, Brian, and G. My heart is aching. Please know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers. I don't have a single word that feels right. I am just so sad and sorry.

Chris | Team Sea-Squared said...

I'm so so SO sorry for you loss. I have been there. I know the raw emotions you are feeling. It's not easy. I'm praying for you. I'm thinking of you. Take care of yourself and know that you aren't alone in this. Hugs!

Ashley said...

Chelsea, you are such a beautiful human being. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Adinda said...

Chelsea, I am so so sorry for you, Brian and G's loss. Words are never adequate in times like these. I know the raw emotions that you are having because I have been there too. Starring at an ultrasound picture with nothing there. It's devestating. But God was good to me. He healed me of my broken heart. But it took time. Please don't allow anyone to tell you how long you need to take to grieve because it's different for every person. I had people who were surprised that months and months had gone by and I was still grieving. Eventually I found joy again but I had all of the questions and still do to this day as to why? Even though we may never know this side of heaven, it still doesn't take away the thoughts of why me/us? And I agree with Beth that you feel so alone going through it so lean on Brian as much as possible and in the meantime, I blogged a lot to help get my feelings out. It's good therapy and I will be here praying that you find joy after the pain.

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