probably too much

Monday, July 14, 2014

I'm not sure when I'll be ready to talk about Guinness yet. Usually blogging is a healing and therapeutic process for me, but I just cannot bring myself to work out the details of him leaving us yet. It hurts too much.

I think that recently I was too superstitious to talk about his health, because he had been doing so well and I didn't want to jinx it. But just a few days before he left us I was reminded that it had been exactly one year since our baby announcement… and I jotted down these thoughts on a notebook in my purse with the intention to share them. Sharing them now leaves me feeling grateful, but hurting more than ever.

My mind cannot wrap around the fact that it has been one whole year since we announced our pregnancy with Lorelai. One whole year ago that I was worrying about what kind of mother I would be, if our child would be healthy, would we be blessed with a boy or a girl, would Guinness still be around to meet them?

One whole, entire year.

It is such a miracle that Guinness is still with us today. After his cancer came back for the second time in December, we decided that another chemotherapy treatment was out of the question (he had already gone through two treatments at this point, over the course of a year). The doctors estimated he had around 1-3 months of life left in December. And now…. Our baby is almost 6 months old. It's June! His glands are swollen so the cancer is there, but he isn't showing any signs of pain yet and loves his little life. He can't do everything that he used to, but he is so content being at home with us (in the air conditioning, of course) and eating lots of treats. He loves his little sister so much it bursts my heart open with joy. Her feet are the only feet that can touch him (he has a thing about feet) and he sleeps next to her bassinet every night.

Seeing them together has been absolutely everything to me.

- - - - - - - - - -
Have you heard the phrase.. "stop the glorification of busy??" That's what I've been trying to do. If I haven't blogged in a while it's because I was being a mother and a wife and a daughter and sister and a friend. It's because I was living my life and I guess calling that "busy" just isn't quite accurate. Today my migraine (of four days) has finally cleared, the sun is shining and I have so much to share.

//After Lorelai was born, we started an email account in her name.  Let me explain… I created the account and saved the login and password in a safe place. Ever since, Brian and I have been sending random things to the account. Little notes to Lorelai… a photo here or there. It's such an easy thing for us to do in the middle of our daily lives. When Lorelai turns 18, we will give her the login and password and she will have pieces of her entire childhood at her fingertips. I wish I could take credit for the idea (it was a Pinterest find), but I hope that she will appreciate it one day. 

//Lorelai and I are featured on the brand new Jones Market web site!! Check us out on the home page! What an incredible honor because we love their products so, so much!

//We say "heyy girl heeeyyyy" to Lorelai five times a day probably

//I now sleep with Lorelai's stuffed bulldog, Guinness

//GuinnieBear got marshmallows for treats for the longest time which he thought is pretty cool. I knew that Friday was a bad day when there were marshmallows left on the floor

//I own nearly 20 pairs of sunglasses and yet I wear Brian's aviators 99% of the time

//We sing "I'm having a bad ,bad day.. It's about time that I get my way.." from Despicable Me constantly. seriously, constantly one of us is singing that damn song

//We are a couple months into a very strict budget and I am super proud of how well we've been doing. Anything extra that we want to do/spend outside of our strict budget we have to earn the money elsewhere for. It has been hard, but very empowering too. We are working toward a plan to be debt free in just a few, short years!!

//It is taking ALL OF MY WILLPOWER to stay away from Target (seriously all of it). When Lola needs formula, we have a rule that either Brian picks it up or he has to be with me to go get it because I don't trust myself alone in Target… in the baby section.. Or in the home section.. Or in the shoe section.. Picture frames.. Candles.. Books.. NO WHERE. I CAN'T BE TRUSTED ANYWHERE

//The ever-so-lovely xomrsmeasom has featured my thoughts on being a working mother on her blog for her mom to mom monday series. I am so thrilled and honored to be included in this sweet series by one of my favorite bloggers (and people) and hope that you will check it out

//Every day, even the most monotonous tasks as a mother fill me with pure joy

//We can't stop eating watermelon

//Another tattoo is on my agenda..

//Beyonce made a playlist for people with June birthdays… thank you husband for including me in this club because BEYONCE MADE A PLAYLIST FOR PEOPLE WITH JUNE BIRTHDAYS

//I won the beach giveaway hosted by Everything Emily Blog and Thrifty Littles. WOOO HOOOO. I'm so excited to take my girl to the beach!


Chic Boston Mama said...

My heart bursts for you sweet friend. I have shared heart break over losing a fur baby and send u lots of ositive thoughts.